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Andy Stitzer: [after having wax ripped the hair from his nipple] Nipplefucker!
Trish: I'm throwing myself at you and all you can think about are fucking toys.
Andy Stitzer: They're not fucking toys! This is Ironman, okay?
Jay: From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm gonna get you laid.
Andy Stitzer: Well, if you loved her so much, why did you cheat on her?
Jay: [sobbing violently] Because! Duh! I'm insecure! Can't you tell?
Haziz: How come we never get invited to parties? What are we, fucking Al Qaeda?
Jay: Dude, it's not a big deal that you like to fuck guys. I'm cool, I got friends who fuck guys... in jail.
Jay: Nastiest shit you've ever done? I'm talkin' about *nasty*!
Andy Stitzer: Ahhhhhhhh... wow. Soooo many stories are running through my head right now.
[pause]
Andy Stitzer: I dated this girl for a while... she was really a... nasty freak. She just loved to... get down with... sex all the time. It was like... anytime of day... she was like, "Yeah, let's go! I'm so nasty!" And I'd be nailing her and she'd be like, "Oh, you're nailing me! cool!"
Beth: [Andy is staring at her] Can I help you?
Andy Stitzer: Do I need help?
Beth: Ummm... is there something you are looking for?
Andy Stitzer: Is there something I should be looking for?
Beth: We have an extensive do-it-yourself section.
Andy Stitzer: Do you like to... do it yourself?
[Pick-up line]
Andy Stitzer: I hope you have a big trunk... because I'm puttin' my bike in it.
[about how he knew the prostitute was really a transvestite]
Andy Stitzer: She had hands as big as Andre the Giant's, and she had an Adam's apple as big as her balls.
Trish: [on the bed, kissing] Do you have protection?
Andy Stitzer: No, I don't like guns.
Andy Stitzer: [just had chest hair ripped off by waxing lady] Fuuuuck! I *hate* you!
Waxing Lady: Sorry.
Andy Stitzer: [calms down very quickly] Gosh, I am so sorry. I usually don't curse.
Cal: You've gotta wait till the seed grows into a plant. Then you've gotta fuck the plant.
Beth: Ooh, you know where to shave me.
Andy Stitzer: Yeah! I wanna shave your head.
Andy Stitzer: Einstein rode a bike!
Trish: He also had a wife! Whom he fucked!
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