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Boy at Health Clinic: Hey, do you have any extra large condoms?
Dad at Health Clinic: Oh, Seth, please! You have a tiny penis...
Cal: [to Andy about telling Trish he's a virgin] Yeah, you should definitely tell her, because I saw this movie called "Liar Liar" and the message was, "*Don't* lie."
[pause]
Cal: And that was a smart movie.
Cal: [about Andy wanting to tell Trish he's a virgin] Here, tell me, this is how it's gonna go.
Andy Stitzer: I'm a virgin.
Cal: Cool! I like that, because I know you don't have... chlamydia. I *know* that. I mean that shit is everywhere...
Boy at Health Clinic: You're a virgin?
Marla: Yeah.
Boy at Health Clinic: [smug grin] I'd tap that.
Dad at Health Clinic: Listen to yourself, Seth, "I'd tap that." You think you're so cool with your little "Jew 'fro"
Boy at Health Clinic: Wait, so you're a virgin? I'd tap that.
Dad at Health Clinic : Oh, yeah, you'd 'tap that.' What, Seth, you think you're cool with your little Jew Fro? We don't say 'tap that.' What are you talking about, Seth?
Andy Stitzer: You know what? I'm a virgin too.
Dad at Health Clinic: We're virgins too.
[laughing]
Boy at Health Clinic: Yeah.
[high five's dad]
Andy Stitzer: No, you know what? It's a personal choice and I don't think it's weird at all.
Dad at Health Clinic: You know what you're problem is? You're putting the pussy on a pedestal.
Cal: [regarding Andy's girlfriend as a grandmother] You can fuck her while watching "Murder, She Wrote". She'll like that
Andy Stitzer: [from Tarilor] This is not a good look for me!
[after having belly waxed]
Cal: [talking about Trish being a grandma] You should fuck her and then have her send you $12 on your birthday.
Andy Stitzer: [painting his toy figure] I'm gonna make your silver pants blue!
Cal: She's a grandma? Man. I wish my grandma looked like that. My grandma looks like Jack Palance. If Jack Palance looked like her I'd wanna fuck Jack Palance.
David: [David talking about his ex girlfriend] Yeah... she's adorable... fuckin' bitch.
David: [Andy shirtless on body wax table] I love your sweater. Does it come in a V-neck?
Andy Stitzer: Keep your bitch on a leash.
Andy Stitzer: [while getting his chest waxed] Ooh! Como se llama!
David: Andy, for the last time, I don't want your big box of porn!
Jay: You're puttin' the pussy on a pedestal
[to Andy]
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