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Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
Mark Twain
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Mark Twain
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
First, God created idiots. That was just for practice. Then He created school boards.
Mark Twain
I've lived a long life and seen a lot of hard times...most of which never happened.
Mark Twain
The Gentle Reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become, until he goes abroad. I speak now, of course, in the supposition that the Gentle Reader has not been abroad, and therefore is not already a consummate ass.
Mark Twain, part of travelog from his trip to Egypt.
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
Mark Twain
Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
Always do the right thing. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Mark Twain
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she has laid an asteroid.
Mark Twain
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain
Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth.
Mark Twain
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man
Mark Twain
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything
Mark Twain
Such is the human race. Often it does seem such a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat.
Mark Twain
Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it before him.
Mark Twain
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
Mark Twain
When angry count four; when very angry, swear.
Mark Twain
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Mark Twain
There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
Mark Twain
Most writers regard truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical in its use.
Mark Twain
Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.
Mark Twain
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education
Mark Twain
Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it.
Mark Twain
Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
Mark Twain
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Mark Twain
The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting start is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.
Mark Twain
Happiness is a Swedish sunset; it is there for all, but most of us look the other way and lose it.
Mark Twain
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
Mark Twain
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries of life disappear and life stands explained.
Mark Twain
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Mark Twain
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Mark Twain
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
Mark Twain Pudd'nhead Wilson
Life does not consist mainly, or even largely, of facts and happenings. It consists mainly of the storm of thought that is forever flowing through one's head
Mark Twain
To cease smoking is the easiset thing I ever did. I ought to know, I've done it a thousand times.
Mark Twain
The old man laughed loud and joyously, shook up the details of his anatomy from head to foot, and ended by saying such a laugh was money in a man's pocket, because it cut down the doctor's bills like anything.
Mark Twain
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Mark Twain Bringing Up Father
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
Mark Twain
Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
Mark Twain
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this it the ideal life.
Mark Twain
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
Mark Twain
One of the striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
Mark Twain
Etiquette requires us to admire the human race.
Mark Twain
I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.
Mark Twain
The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
Mark Twain
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